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Bumpers Crossroads Episode Guide

  • The Traffic Light

Woody, Grandpa and Luke watch a car drive by. COMMERCIAL: “Look, here’s the lawn mower, as long as I’m up…”

  • The Developer

A real estate developer passes through, and thinks the Crossroads would be a perfect place to build something. COMMERCIAL: The Announcer needs a cup of coffee.

  • Woody’s Socks Don’t Match

Helen is off shopping, and Woody can’t find anything. COMMERCIAL: Collins’ Best Tea.

  • Out To Lunch

Woody and Grandpa stroll over to Mary’s Diner for a sandwich. What was that waitress’ name again…? COMMERCIAL: Mary Turner testimonial.

  • Gone Fishin’

Helen Woodrow and Mary Turner talk about the boys while they’re gone. COMMERCIAL: Collins’ Best Coffee Pot.

  • Complaint Department

Woody complains about the food at the diner. COMMERCIAL: “It perks you — UP! And kills bugs — DEAD!”

  • Beyond the Farthest Bump

Luke imagines the Crossroads in Space. COMMERCIAL: Collins’ Best Instant.

  • Hide! A Cow’s Outside!

The archetypical episode. It takes a lot of nerve to use jokes this old. COMMERCIAL: Husband and Wife for Collins’ Best Cocoa.

  • Hallowe’en

Mary needs a costume, and Luke needs a rest. COMMERIAL: Collins’ Best improves office productivity, too!

  • Whole Lotto Shaking Going On

Lottery fever hits the Crossroads. COMMERCIAL: Ezekiel Collins testimonial.

  • A Bumpers Crossroads Christmas (Rose’s Fruitcake) (by Daniel Kiernan)

Woody deals with more than one fruitcake. COMMERCIAL: Santa Claus testimonial.

  • Mow Better Blues (by Terry Sanders)

Luke considers joining the Yard-of-the-Month Club and entering their local competition. COMMERCIAL: …other, more motivational, uses for Collins’ Best Coffee.

  • Grandma’s Diary

Grandpa finds his late wife’s diary, but he’s afraid to read it. COMMERICAL (by Ron Butler): Collins’ Best Laundry Detergent.

  • Japanese Tourists

A tour bus driver chooses Mary’s Diner. COMMERCIAL: Coffee pots exploding all over the office.

  • Over the Rainbow

Luke bangs his head. COMMERCIAL: Fiona loses a day of work, thanks to Collins’ Best Cocoa.

  • “We’re a Little Late…”

There’s not enough time for the show because of the… COMMERCIAL: Ezekiel Collins vs the Announcer.

  • Luke’s Correspondence Course (a Coffeehouse intro) (by Daniel Kiernan)

The gang learns how to put on a radio show. (About time, I guess.) No commercial.

  • Love At The Crossroads (by Daniel Kiernan)

Girl talk about Woody and Helen’s courtship. COMMERCIAL (by Daniel Taylor): “Unresolved Mysteries” explores the secret of Collins’ Best Coffee.

  • Faint Reception (Croon 1)

Grandpa Croon calls out Grandpa Bumper. COMMERCIAL: Collins’ Board Meeting.

  • Family Feud (Croon 2)

It’s Grandpa vs Grandpa, with Woody and Luke to the rescue. COMMERCIAL: Collins Moments 1. “Well, dear, at least the air bag worked.”

  • Know Your Limitations (Mason 1)

George Mason needs another mechanic. COMMERCIAL: “Uncle” Jimmy Piper testimonial.

  • One Of The Guys (Mason 2)

Does George know that there’s something… different about the new mechanic? COMMERCIAL: Ezekiel Collins vs Jimmy Piper.

  • The Crying Bump (Mason 3)

The truth comes out. Does it matter? It does to Luke. COMMERCIAL: Collins Moments 2. “We’re going to give you to the count of three…”

  • Eggs Mark the Spot

The Easter egg hunt is a week late. So is Luke. COMMERCIAL: Helen Woodrow vs Jimmy Piper.

  • The Stray Dog (by Linda Young)

He really needs a home, but both Woody and Helen know how much the other one dislikes dogs…

  • The New Toy (by Jeff Baskin)

Who can resist a fire engine? Well, Woody can… COMMERCIAL: Do vampires drink coffee?

  • Special Report (by Clair W Kiernan)

The program is pre-empted.

  • Bradbury’s Funeral Home (by Ron N. Butler)

Helen says goodbye to an old friend. [No commercial.]

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The 3,000-Year Old Radio SF Writer [Less 2,915 Years]

LG:  Good evening, I’m Lisa Getto, and we are very happy to have a special guest this evening: Norman Winstock, one of the original writers for “Rory Rammer, Space Marshal”!
NW:  Thank you, thank you. Very happy to be here. Happy to be anywhere, to tell the truth.

LG:  And how about giving us that famous tag-line?
NW:  Hmm? Oh — yeah. “Up, up, and away!”

LG:  Uh — no. Not that one.
NW:  “Quick, old chum, to the Batmobile?”

LG:  No.
NW:  Oh! I’ve got it: “Ow! I’ve been bitten by a radioactive spider!”

LG:  Nope.
NW:  “Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Unite?”

LG:  I’ve always found that one a little — suspect. No, I mean the tag-line for “Rory Rammer.”
NW:  Oh, that one! Ahem… “From the skies of Earth, to the orbit of the Moon!” (Coughing fit)

LG:  Easy, Norman. Can you go on?
NW:  I think so. I’ll give ya’ a sign if I can’t.

LG:  And that will be?
NW:  I’ll fall down and stop breathing.

LG:  I’ll watch for that. Now — “Rory Rammer” had a remarkable string of predictions about the world of 1985 A.D. Space travel, of course. Telescopes in orbit. The fall of the Soviet Union. Don’t you feel a certain pride, when you reflect back on your status as a prophet of the future?
NW:  Actually, I am haunted by two particular predictions I made. One successful, the other completely off the mark. And they were both in that one episode, “Luna Shall Be Dry!”

LG:  And those were — ?
NW:  The first was the prediction of disco music.

LG:  Certainly a major cultural trend —
NW:  More like a crime against humanity! All through the later 1970’s, I had nightmares about being hauled up in front of a war crimes tribunal for that ‘un!

LG:  And the prediction that didn’t work out?
NW:  Heh! I actually predicted that — one day — the State of Massachusetts would have a senior United States Senator who didn’t drink like a fish! (Cackles) What was I thinking of?

LG:  I can’t imagine. Now, if we could talk a moment about Mary-Jane Talbot, who played “Kryssa Feynman” during the second season —
NW:  Lovely, sweet girl.

LG:  Yes, she was.
NW:  Liked that costume she wore.

LG:  Yes, the skirts were very short, especially for 1949.
NW:  Devil between the sheets.

LG:  I — uh, wouldn’t know.
NW:  I would. Not too bright, though.

LG:  And why do you say that?
NW:  Silly girl! Tried to get ahead by sleeping with the writer! (Cackles wildly, then goes into Cheyne-Stokes breathing)

LG:  Is this that “sign” you were telling me about?
NW:  (Gasping) Oh,yeah.

LG:  Harry? Could we get some oxygen up here?

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A Note on Graphics and “Silver Star” vs. “Silver Star 2”

Silver Star 1 diagramSilver Star 2 diagram

ARTC: Could you say something about the new “Silver Star” graphics that are up on the ARTC web site?

RNB: Well, Daniel was kind enough to post a graphic of the “Star” a while back, but it was pretty rough looking. It was a bitmap grab of an AutoCad file, and the resolution was pretty low. The new graphics are JPEGs. They’re not perfect, but they’re certainly more readable. I like them a lot better.

ARTC: You mentioned an AutoCad file. What’s the source for the drawing?

RNB: It’s sheet 1 of the top-level assembly drawing for the Barnes Model 1012 — which, of course, the first “Silver Star” was. Barnes built twenty-six of the type, under a contract from the Department of Extraterrestrial Justice, which designated them as “Ness”-class cruisers, named for — no big surprise — Elliott Ness. The “Star” was line number four in the series.

ARTC: Was the 1012 considered a deep-space craft at the time?

RNB: Not really. The 1012’s, operating from the Earth’s surface, were capable of making a dry-tanks landing on Luna. Operations to Mars or Venus, along a reasonably fast trajectory, required either in-orbit refueling or an assisted launch — usually from the Pikes Peak catapult. The Kilimanjaro linear accelerator wasn’t built until the type had pretty much been retired.

ARTC: You called this “the first ‘Silver Star’.”

RNB: Line number 4 was lost after a crash-landing in the Martian high desert, east of Solis Lacus City. [See: “The Enemy of the People”] Marshal A.R. Rammer was diverted from his landing approach into a hot pursuit of a smuggler. The smuggler was shot down but the “Star” suffered debris-strike damage and had to make a glide-landing herself.

ARTC: The ship wasn’t salvaged?

RNB: It was uneconomical. The hull was broken up and the reactor carcass was boosted to the Atomic Graveyard at Earth’s Lagrange 1 point.

ARTC: There was some controversy about that entire operation, wasn’t there?

RNB: Oh, considerable! The smuggler in question was the legendary “Rex” Gorbachev, who had been a thorn in the side of the Martian Colonial Administration’s Department of Health Education, Enhancement and Enforcement for years. A federal board of inquiry determined afterward that the DeeHee’s had exceeded their authority in several places.

ARTC: I believe the final report said — Let me see. “Unlawful orders…” “Reckless endangerment…” “Destruction of government property…”

RNB: And to cap it all, Gorbachev got away!

ARTC: Very little blame seems to have attached to Marshal Rammer or his cadet / co-pilot.

RNB: He was assigned partial responsibility for the loss of his rocket, but the Board also specifically noted that the DHEEE agent in charge — one Ludo Raynor — had misled the marshal into believing he was operating under combat conditions. On the other side of the equation, Rammer _did_ manage to capture Gorbachev and bring him out of the deep Martian desert, dragging his injured cadet after him, and handed the smuggler over to the Martian authorities.

ARTC: Who lost him.

RNB: If Gorbachev had effected his escape ten minutes earlier, considerably more blame would have been laid on Rammer. However, Rammer had formally passed custody to Agent Raynor before Gorbachev broke free, knocked out Rammer, Raynor and Raynor’s partner, then stole their canal-skimmer and disappeared to God knows where. (Chuckles)

ARTC: Quite an exploit!

RNB: (Laughs) One of the reasons Gorbachev is a legend in the saga of How the Solar System Was Won.

ARTC: What happened to Agent Raynor?

RNB: Well, we know his partner was demoted three grades — which probably ended up saving her life in ’89. Raynor was busted completely out of the service and the historical record loses track of him there. If he stayed on Mars — The Martian Rebellion wasn’t a particularly bloody event, as revolutions go, but very few senior-grade DeeHees survived the fall of the Colonial Administration.

ARTC: Anyway — “Silver Star 2”?

RNB: Is the second graphic, the completely new one. With the expansion of operations beyond Mars, the Department of XT Justice had commissioned a more capable class of rocketship —

ARTC: Also from Barnes Aircraft?

RNB: Barnes was, at that time, the premier space vehicle designer and manufacturer in the United States, which is to say in the world. Like Boeing or Douglas in the Age of Aviation. They got a jump on everyone with their first nuclear-powered spacecraft project — which you can see a stylized depiction of in the drawing’s data block, by the way — and never looked back. The new design was the Model 1014 —

ARTC: The “Bonaparte” class?

RNB: Named after an early head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, I believe. And — yes — he was a distant relative of the Emperor.

ARTC: It’s — beefy-looking.

RNB: Compared to a 1012, yes. Fifty percent higher maximum gross liftoff weight. A reactor with a third more output than the 1012’s old AP451. The 1014’s could also accept external mass tankage and tolerate much higher catapult launch loads. Regular patrol operations into the Asteroid Belt, which was opening up to colonization and industrialization then, would have been impossible without the 1014’s. This is truly The Rocket That Tamed the Belt. [See: “The Planetoid of Doom” and “Murder by Meteor”]

ARTC: And gave Saturn a ring?

RNB: I would place most of the responsibility for the destruction of Iapetus on Colonel LeMay and the Space Force Cruiser “Azrael.” [See: “The Angel of Destruction”] But 1014’s — “Silver Star 2” among them — did make occasional forays as far as Saturn. And even farther.

ARTC: And played a part in humanity’s first contact with extrasolar aliens?

RNB: I’m sorry. I’m not at liberty to discuss that.


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The Curse of ‘Rory Rammer’

The Atlanta Radio Theatre Company issues the following in response to a number of public questions concerning the so-called “Curse of Rory Rammer.”

ARTC: Briefly, what is “The Curse of Rory Rammer.”
RNB: [Originator of the “Rory Rammer” series] There’s no such thing.

ARTC: Excuse me. Isn’t one of the continuing characters named “‘Skip’ Sagan?”
RNB: Yes, that’s true, but —

ARTC: Whom you have admitted, on an earlier occasion, is named after astronomer Carl Sagan?
RNB: Yes, I did name him after —

ARTC: Who is now dead?
RNB: So far as I knew, he was in perfectly good health when I started writing the series.

ARTC: And is not another continuing character “Professor Irwin Feynman?”

ARTC: Also named after a well-known scientist, Dr. Richard Feynman?
RNB: He is.

ARTC: And what is Dr. Feynman’s current situation, viability-wise?
RNB: Well, he’s dead. But the man was in his seventies! He worked on the Manhattan Project, God knows what he was exposed to!

ARTC: Let me now draw your attention to a new character in this year’s [2000] DragonCon performance of “The Queen of the Spaceways” — “Michiko Sakai.”
RNB: It’s not even been established that she’ll be continuing.

ARTC: As may be. The origin of that name?
RNB: Well, like many of my character names, it’s taken from aviation. In this case, from Saburo Sakai, an Imperial Japanese Navy fighter pilot of the Second World War.

ARTC: Would you read the following item, datelined the Associated Press for September 28?
RNB: [Paper rattling] “Japanese World War II fighter ace Saburo Sakai, who downed 64 enemy planes and then went on to reconcile with his former foes and urge his nation to face its wartime past, has died.”

ARTC: Indicating that Mr. Sakai is, in fact, dead?
RNB: Oh, for crying out — ! He was 84! He’d been shot three times during the war and lost one eye! I should live to be 84, even without bits being shot off me.

ARTC: And would you read further, in the second paragraph?
RNB: [Muttering] Look, you’re gotta believe me: I never guessed he had a daughter named Michiko! I pulled the name off a Web site for female Japanese nuclear engineers. Besides “Michiko” is probably as common a name as “Susan” —

ARTC: Don’t you feel any apprehension as to what might happen to this young lady?
RNB: Frankly, no. I don’t believe a word of this codswallop. If you do, though, I think I can propose an interesting experiment.

ARTC: That being?
RNB: How about I name the next “Rory Rammer” character after you?

ARTC: Stop the tape! Just stop the damn —

[Tape ends]